The Doctor once said, “When you
think about it, we are all different people, all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve got to
keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.”
And that inspired me to remember
all the people that I used to be. When I
think about it, truly, it seems I’ve regenerated three times. Now, these sorts of regenerations take a lot
longer-a year or more as a transition.
But they are changes nonetheless.
As I looked back, I found my
demons. I recognized them as they were,
and understood why I was who I am today.
I, number four, am a product of all the things I found wrong with myself. I come from all of those things I’ve decided
to change.
The first me was still
innocent. That was me as a small kid,
just learning how to be in the world. He
was a bit of an attention hog, and a ball hog.
I suppose the fact that he was a bit jealous that his new sister took
away from the attention he received through him into a sour mood sometimes,
which led to number two.
Number two developed in number
one’s year of preschool. The development
of an awful temper came about, along with a tendency to over-dramatize
things. Number two pushed his sister
down the stairs, and through plenty of tantrums. He was not the kind of little kid you wanted
to be around when he got angry.
Sometimes he’d drive himself to tears.
But on the good side, he was generally respectful to adults and
well-behaved, something every version of me has carried on.
Number three came about in fifth
grade. He was like an upgraded version
of number two, and not in a good way.
The temper was worse, and he became very secluded. He’d listen to depressing songs in the
evening, and hated to socialize. He
pretty much stopped doing things with friends and kept to his own, sometimes
radical thoughts. Number three threatened
his sister with a golf club because she laughed when he lost his favorite golf
ball, and had an argument with a girl that drove her to tears. Now that is something he’s not proud of. Three never, for even a second, believed he
had it wrong. He stood up for what he
believed was right, even when it wasn’t.
Although he finally stopped tucking his shirt in, he had to be pushed by
his mother to join a sports team besides wrestling. That was cross country.
Number three held a reign of
terror until he developed a crush on a girl from his church. That crush lasted 18 months, and that was the
longest transition period in any “regeneration.” He slowly became more kind,
more open. He developed new ideas, his
own, instead of relying on the Republican Party’s platform. He could tolerate modern music more than he
used to, and was more open to doing things with friends. Most of all he gained dreams, real dreams,
things he knew he’d love to do.
But it was rough going. When the 18 month crush came to a close, he
needed a spark to officially light #4’s fire.
He could sense a good man coming, but he couldn’t let himself fall
backwards. A month later, he got his
spark. He was at work, thinking of all
the bad things that had happened to him and singing sad songs under his
breath. He pushed in cart after cart,
not caring why.
And then, finally, a girl walked
up to him. He had never seen her
before. She was wearing a Kroger uniform
and he knew, at that moment, that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever
seen. That was the first face this face
saw. That’s me, number four. I am the counter to number three. I am the best version of me that there has
ever been. I don’t really want to change
again, because I’m afraid some of number three may leak through. But I am young, and I know I should still
have plenty of time with this version of me.
